Perseverance

Looking back my walk in my academic career,

It was all splendid and well performed throughout the years since

the downfall in 2000 and I have rose up to be academic well performed

Unimaginable that throughout all these time of studies

I have been in good form all the while

Never to be known that in this year

Year 2012

The very last year of my degree, the very last semester before my graduation

I had Failed one subject

and I ruined my whole academic performance record

Amazingly how i have to face others around me

Whom about to graduate

Whom long to expect my graduation

Whom been dearly waiting for this moment to graduate

Whom anticipate for it to come

Even facing myself

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I found it easy to tell people to persevere throughout hard time as I had did it in the past

but ridiculously when this moment of time came forth

I felt completely helpless and ashamed of myself

Why would i not passed this exam..

I couldn't sleep well but I know it doesn't make a difference

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I feel so ashamed of myself

shame to the family

even broken the heart of people that have high hope for my graduation

I felt so useless and helpless

that i asked

Why do this have to happened to me at this time?

Why not last semester?

Why now?

It's just so disappointing when see-ing hope for future

and 12hours after that

Went back to Darkness

I had able to convince the Faculty to allow me to pursuit my master in 2013

even though closing date was 31/10/2012

But on the another hand, the result came out to be a disappointing one

I doubt my dad would allow me to continue study

as i have been such a disgrace to him

Now I'm very indecisive of my future
Whether should I still apply for Master
Should I just leave Brisbane and forget about Master
or
What should i really do about my life


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I thought things was just gotten better between the relationship

with my family and even people around me

But then,

Obviously it's a turned down once again

If this was meant to test my faith and walk

or even to strengthen me

I just have to persevere through these hard times

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I have a mixed feeling

One side of me told to be strong that everything is fine and God is in control

Another side of me, i felt deep sorrow and pain that i couldn't express it out

and trying to smile and be happy to every person that i know

whether they knew my result or not

I just trying so hard to endure this pain and shame

Telling every single soul

That "I'm fine, I'm okay"

Everything is good

But deep down inside,

I have a total broken of dignity and faith

and even on myself

I'm trying so hard to be alright

but it's just so hard to endure 

the degree of disappointment

My hope and future just burnt in flame

the moments i saw the right path
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Perseverance throughout the life-tearing moment

Can I do it?

Maybe... Maybe not

But at all time

I know I just have to walk through this pathway

The disheartening things is not what I felt

but the degree of disappointment that others lay down on me

the degree of disheartened and upset and longing to see my graduation

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I'm very sorry that I had failed

I'm just a star that lost it brightness

Fading in the mist

Why is it November again!!

Why do all these bad things come in November?

Last Year and This year again?!

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Whether how hard things come forth

I will stand strong and face it

Perseverance to await transformation

a heart to seek breakthrough in life

Going through these was to make me stronger

Perhaps,

I have been overlooking small blessing in my studies

that i can not value until it been stripped away